Expectations

I've been down this road before. In fact, many times before, I'm somewhat ashamed to admit.

And I worry.

Worry that this 21-day Fix thing won't work. That I won't lose any weight. That this intense exercise (my gawd, my tired and sore muscles are screaming!) won't make a lick of difference.

I've done Weight Watchers on and off for years. Is that the problem? Right there. On and off. For years. If it truly worked would I be able to maintain over the long term? I guess it works for many because those employees surely look like they've kept the weight off? Are they not tempted? Or, are they just better at that internal dialogue that keeps them on track 24/7/365?

I mentioned earlier what I didn't like about WW. I hated the idea of the "fat free," "sugar free," low fat" options we were encouraged to use because they were lower in points. But, are those things really good for you? I mean, good for your body overall over the long term? I have doubts. And that issue alone bugged me. Don't get me started on Oprah, but her existence within the program was NOT inspiring. And, when they changed the program making everyone believe it was all for the good while making a simple little fudge bar worth almost half your days points, well, my motivation sank and my frustration rose.

But Weight Watchers wasn't the only thing. I've been off sugar before too. I remember a week my walking buddy and I decided to go completely cold turkey on sugar. We were walking daily or almost daily but I don't remember anything else as far as the "healthy eating" other than the elimination of the sugar. I'm pretty sure I was eating "healthy" enough but I also don't remember anything about portions.

Without sugar for one week I lost zero. ZERO pounds lost. ZERO. I was so extremely frustrated, angry, and annoyed...and let's face it, coming off a serious addiction to sugar, which wasn't pretty I assure you but to not lose a gawddamn thing pissed me off.

Over the years as doctors repeatedly told me I was teetering on the diabetic scale...only slightly above the highest safe range to be not diabetic...I have eaten sugar free candies and syrups and boxed cake mixes. I know sugar is bad for us but I'm not convinced that these sugar free chemically concocted foods are any better.

So, here I am at this 21-day Fix. All Whole Foods. No processed crap. Not a whole lot of sugar outside of the carbs and fruits and maybe a teaspoon of pure maple syrup here and there. Right now, I feel slightly edgy and slightly hungry. I don't think I'm doing it totally right and eating every 2-3 hours as recommended. If I were doing that I don't think I would be ready to devour my arm dipped in chocolate and sprinkled with milk chocolate chips by dinner.

But, I'm seriously trying. I WANT this to work. I really do. I'm tired of feeling fat, being referred to as obese by my doctors, my clothes fitting blah-like, and all the other ailments that attach themselves to being overweight. I want to be healthy. I want to be off medication. I want to feel good.

I'm also scared this won't work, though. And then what? I know, I know, I'm worrying about something that hasn't even happened yet! Hi, nice to meet you. Clearly you don't know what I'm all about...but you will.

I struggled as I tried my hardest on WW and lost like seven pounds in six months while a good friend of mine lost over fifty pounds in the same time period. I'm super happy for her because she has been battling for a very long time but I look at that and think, okay, what am I doing wrong and can I manage to do the same as her? Realizing that every body is different and I have my own built in issues with this rotten underproducing thyroid but still. Can I? Will it work for me too? Gawd, I hope so.

I have super high hopes for the next 19 days. I really, truly, super duper hope that I will see visible change at the end of this first cycle.

Meanwhile, I'm ready for a mid-morning-ish snack. This morning I had some steel cut oats, berries, four walnut halves, and 1 tsp of maple syrup. My snack is going to be a slice of Ezekiel bread with 1 tsp of nut butter and a persimmon. I did go to bed slightly hungry (my evening routine centered around "dessert" of a bowl of about 5 cups lite popcorn and sometimes a healthy choice fudge bar...last night I really had to have something so I had 1.5 purple containers of strawberries, 1 tsp coconut and 1 tsp maple syrup) and I did wake up today slightly hungry, which I have not normally felt in the past.

At what point does one's mind begin to forget about food and just eat to nourish? Ah, one can dream.

My workout this morning for day three consisted of the lower body fix. Oh. My. Gawd. I am so sore, I can't remember the last time I was this bloody sore. But, fingers crossed change is happening, slowly perhaps, but happening and I will see real change soon. I have such high expectations right now.