Not in a Good Place

Today is just one of those days, I think.

I'm not feeling all that great. Nothing that requires total and complete bed rest but just enough to make me less than 100%. I decided to take a day off. A break. Sit on the couch with a book and take a nap and work on some embroidery I am trying to finish up by the end of the weekend so I can mail them off as small little gifts.

I just wanted to chill.

With two dogs.

And one who barks every time the UPS truck (or any truck, really) drives by.

And after being made to feel less than. I know that technically no one can make you feel one way or the other so a better statement would be that my feelings were hurt by someone's innocent, and seemingly joking, comments. But you know when you make a jab and the person laughs it is all in good fun but if the person doesn't laugh you claim you were only joking?

Enter my day today.

To a "joke" that has been circulating for awhile now but one that I don't think is funny. I feel the comment is a truthful statement wrapped up in a "joke" because it upset me. It actually doesn't upset me or piss me off or make me angry as much as it fuels my depression and makes me sad and hurt.

Being made to feel less than, unworthy, and pointless seems to make me feel like my entire life, therefore, is pointless and unworthy. Oh, they are "grateful" for me and "without me..." blah blah blah. In reality, I'm not all that unique and "what I do around here" can EASILY be filled by a host of other people. In other words, I think I would be hardly missed. Seems to be a trend in my life, I'm afraid. Currently, I am in the rediscovery mode of my life and I feel a little lost at sea. I had one steady job for 22 years and suddenly it is being yanked from me, one graduation and birthday at a time. I get it. My job was one thing but it was never meant to be a forever job, I know that. At least my brain knows that but my heart is in battle mode. Anyway, I'm lost now without purpose or worth and what my job consists of now is kinda a joke, really.

And now I'm stuck in the middle of nowhere without anyone. And I'm feeling extremely down today. And hurt. And pointless.